It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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