youre lurking in front of me
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
