every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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