My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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