Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
