It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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