I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
