This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
