Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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