I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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