i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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