I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
