I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
