I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
