guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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