my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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