I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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