she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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