Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
