I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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