Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
