I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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