Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
