she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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