Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
