when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
