apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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