Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
