I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
