DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
