Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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