I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
