What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
