Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
