i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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