Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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