i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
A+ Viking dick
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
