Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
