Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I did not marry a roomba.
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