my mouth tastes like poor choices
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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