I'm jealous of your bromance
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
