I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
