i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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