Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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