I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
