I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
People in love make me want to vomit
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
