Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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