Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
