I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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