Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
